From the "Hit the Nail on the Head" Department

My sister sends me this charming bit of home grown satire--unfortunately, I don't know who to credit it to:

ACADIANA BARBIE

Mattel recently announced the release of limited edition Barbie dolls for the Acadiana market:

RIVER RANCH BARBIE

This princess Barbie is only sold at River Ranch shops. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired foreign lap-dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with a lawn service. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic ex-husband Ken comes with a Porsche.

BROUSSARD BARBIE

This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar mini-van and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Available at Target.

EVANGELINE THRUWAY BARBIE

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife, a ’79 El Camino with dark tinted windows and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably small bills, unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

GREENBRIAR ESTATE BARBIE

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included is her own CC coffee cup, credit card set and Red’s membership. Also available is Shallow Ken.

CARENCRO BARBIE

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a classic Metallica shirt and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at LSU. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s ass when she’s drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Big Lots & Dollar General Stores.

OPELOUSAS BARBIE

This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Carencro Barbie’s (Discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter-top. Comes with Barbie’s dream doublewide trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Cheap.

LE TRIOMPHE BARBIE

This collagen injected rhino plastic Barbie wears leopard print Spandex and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at the Lodge. Into
crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription and botox treatments. Also cheap.

GRAND COTEAU BARBIE

This Barbie comes with a monogrammed tote bag, a collection of credit cards in her daddy’s name, expensive hair highlights, cell phone and an enormous sense of entitlement. Available in two models: eating disorder with natural breasts or eating disorder with breast implants. BMW X5 or Chevy Tahoe. ESA Ken (with Toyota 4 Runner and iPod) is also available.

UNIVERSITY BARBIE

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow”. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two University Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker free.

YOUNGSVILLE BARBIE

This doll is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion and is perfect in every way. We don’t know who Ken is because he’s always away hunting or in Japan on business. Youngsville Barbie aspires to become River Ranch Barbie. Not cheap, but still very naïve.