Glorious News!
(sarcasm alert)

We All Love Big Time Brother

Oil Prices have dropped below $60 dollars a barrel! Doubleplusgood!

Sugar ration's been increased--half kilo a month!

A smashing victory over the forces of Central Asia, um...well, things are certainly smashed. The media just refuses to focus on the good things. Like...um...those Iranians and Syrians sure are a bunch of bastards, eh?

Please don't put the rat cage over my face again...and, um, no, I don't want to go hunting with you, sir...